Mothers day

I’m staring at my mom as I write this.

I see her almost everyday when I am mostly around but each day I see something new. She is mostly tired since her day was tiresome, but she will still go to the kitchen and make her family food. Other days I see her smile is more energetic. And she will be done and go sit and wait to watch news. She won’t watch them actually. She will dose off and miss almost the whole part.

I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t help her out. She usually acts like all is well and that she can handle it all. This woman is one that I love and love more each day. You have raised me well. I am sorry if I didn’t really turn out to be everything you wished I would be. But some parts I did better and others I slipped a little.

Everytime I am in the kitchen with her, we never lack something to laugh about. Our laughs are contagious. The most important thing I love about being around her, is that I don’t even have to hear her speak. Me , in her aura, calms me if I was going through something.

I know most mum’s also do this. If there’s something in the house and it isn’t enough she will of course say she doesn’t even love it. Or she is just fine. A piece of cake for example. But I never eat that piece in peace. She deserves more even when there is less.

I might not do a lot to make you happy, but I will do what I can. On Sunday afternoons, I will make you smoothies because I know you love them. I will help you in the kitchen even if it’s just keeping you company. I will make salads for you. I might not do a lot, but to see you smile and contented . That’s my biggest aim.

There might be better mom’s than mine according to you maybe. She doesn’t have to do more. When I come out of my room and just pass the kitchen and she already knows am hungry and tells me to hold on a little. I don’t need more from her. Her being around and just being is my smile. Some leave their kids , abandon them or just raise them with a lot of anger and regrets.

I might not touch on all mothers, but those that didn’t get to know your mother’s. Maybe she gave you up for adoption, that’s a sign of love. She wasn’t capable of love you as a mother and saw that there might be others willing to do it out there. They did care about you, instead of them raising you up with bitterness you don’t deserve. So don’t really blame them for not being there. She deserves some love too.

For mothers who left, I believe a mothers presence and love is always there. She is always with you . Keep making her proud and happy mother’s day to her.

To mom’s who are really not that great while raising you, maybe they didn’t have mother’s who did that to them. You can be a good son or daughter to her though. She might not know how to give love since she didn’t receive it .

As rare a treasure a mom is. Love I can never live without.

To all healthy mom’s, sick, late and present mothers .To all young, old and mothers to be. Aspiring too, hope you are learning how to be one.

Happy mother’s day to them. They might not see it but they will feel it, I know it.

THIRTEEN!

Thirteen.

Ummh Definitely my worst and best number. I mean it’s the 3rd time am witnessing it. But emphasis should be put on the former. Worst I mean. And it’s happening in reverse. Okay sorry, y’all don’t dig.

Every time I decide, okay let me pour my soul to this human and see what they could do with it.

Huh, a waste of time and energy. I have never been sure if I want to be by myself or have a person by my side every day of my single life. I’m always willing to give everyone a piece of me and at times the half of me. Maybe, I didn’t love myself enough. I mean why should I always be so fast to sharing myself and putting others before me?

My first greatest attachments, started on a 13th.And should I really call it a coincidence that it is now the third one, haha. Call me stupid, but not anymore. Well am now tracing to back when I was 13 and wooah. This number really has a lot on me. Woow!! Am writing this on a 13th. Might not upload it today but I was just heading to bed and it just clicked my mind that wooah today, I am bearing a lot. Maybe all those 13s decided, hey buddy its time you carry us all today since it’s the day.  I hope I get to I post it.

As much as, I was happy at some point, I feel like my lost lovers left blood on my face. I might have left blood on yours’ too. We will find people who will wipe off the blood from our faces tenderly. Run fingers through our torn hearts and stitch them up in no time. Well good luck with that. But clearly, the two most important people really wish and hope that they see this blogs don’t even know I write. But I know hey one day will run by them and I mightn’t be there to confirm the unconfirmed.

I wouldn’t fall for someone who wouldn’t misbehave. I know you all promised me forever’s, haha and I did too. But I know things and time change. Forever isn’t promised. And to me that’s totally fine. It never lasts forever anyway.1312-undeniable, unforgettable. Ecstatically and mercilessly, my love will forever remember and count all those smiles. Had so much in common. I know you are the type I could go to museums with. Wake up in different cities with.

13-01 So much pain, but there is no love with no pain right? Taught me the most. I won’t be in the history books, but I loved you first.

13-11 Never saw the future so clearly with anyone as I did with you. A Patronus charm.

13 will be the number tattoed on my chest if I ever get one. A number with so many memories and scars.

FRAGRANCE

Hey World.

I am here, again. My heart has sought so many different things and there is always one thing it’s never gotten. I am not sure what that is. And suddenly, I woke up, and fragrance is what it kept saying. Jorge Luis Borges said “To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god.” And like Hozier I also want to be taken to church. I thought the battle ended but really the war has begun. Under my skin you left your marks, your prints. How would anyone else get so deep? You left your name inside those scars.

I don’t know if I should let you come erase them, or you come linger in it like it’s supposed.

I want your fragrance radiating in my home,

I want that fragrance, being the aura emanating in my dreams and life.

I want my perfume, matching that fragrance.

I want to smell like you, anytime of the night or days.

3pm, my heart settles to start a war, between my thoughts. Whether it is that I love you or want you or need you. That’s part of my scary hours. I mean why think of you when it is dark? It’s when there is so much light that my light awakens. The light that you did help lit.

I know I have things to do, but this thought has been crossing my mind. But If I never see you again, I still will love you. I’ll love you the way the moon loves night time,

How snow loves mountains,

Sand loves the desert,

I will love you, since I never stopped loving you. It grows with time. You touched me in parts where love runs in agony. Maybe I am not seeing the world the way I am supposed to. I want to know how it feels to wake up and see that the voice in my head wasn’t bluffing. I wanna know, what goes in your mind. If I have to get what I pay for, then I am willing to pay more. Am broke, but you can keep he records imam pay my dues when it’s time. I’ll lay a dozen of roses for you if I never see you again.

                                                                                                         

PRISON

I might be in a prison. One that I really don’t recall how I got here. I wanna lie , and say that someone dragged me here but we all know its not the case. In prison ,paying for my mistakes, for my weaknesses. My blemishes. I hope you will take it easy on me. I am not the one.

How do you take yourself out of a prison that you put yourself in? But its peaceful in here. I can yell at myself without anyone stopping me or pitying me and I like it like that. I am going to be in here for a while , maybe till I get a bit warm. I am so cold, I didn’t say mad. I said cold, all this anger, didn’t come from me being mad. But that shouldn’t be the reason , why you should try burn me. I have many scars already , so why you wanna add more scars?

In this cold prison, all my mind keeps on doing remembering.I keep on remembering, my heart has no pity on me! Ever been alone, your thoughts surrounding you? Huh , for me that’s when my thoughts get dangerous. A swelling storm is whispering to me,”I am coming to get you”. I mean, for once someone is there for me. I am willing to die for you, but I wished to live for you. I can’t love you, if I don’t love who I am. I can learn to love me the way I love you. Don’t be fooled though, I love you still more ecstastically and without mercy.

Room to breathe, aah there is much room here.in a challenge to finish all he oxygen here. I’ll meditate for some good time.I can give up on so many things but there is one person I can never give up on.And that’s me. I don’t have much anyway. The voices in my head are piercing and in someway its hard to breathe but we all know I will make it out eventually.

One last thing,let me close all the doors so I can break and breathe in peace.

A Dream

I always wake up and sometimes feel so bad and guilty.

Bad for every pillow I have punched when mad/angry/sad(would have said wall but oh my I don’t punch walls might make me double worse,okay it might worsen my situation)

For my bed, I’m sorry everytime I cry you are the only place I cry at. My mattress is even sinking coz daamn , it’s too heavy.. I really don’t know what’s heavy my heart, burden, mistakes I made? I have beaten myself up so many times and this time I will try be strong.

All my December’s are always fucked up but since everyone is always in a good mood(the ‘festive season’you just have to blend in and act cool)okay I do this all year but December wooah!

I want to repair the many things I have broken when mad. I want to wake up one day and feel no burden in my heart. I want to clean all my footsteps my fingerprints in any place I have gone.

Every terrible thing that has happened to me, I wish I can wake up and have that power to undo it. Anyone who has come across my hands I want to apologize. The only good thing they are best at, is making mistakes.

One day, I want to look at myself in the mirror and smile. I don’t want to see all those things I have ruined in my eyes. I want to see them shine. I want to love them in a way no one has/will.

I want to recollect my self. I want to find my real self. If whatever I am right now is my real self, then I want to love it the way I am supposed to love it. No one else is going to love it that way and I know I owe that to myself.

Pain, I know you demand to be felt yes I do. But I have one command ,just one. Would you just remain in the words and not in us. Okay it sounds like a request more than a command but please!

I really want to wake up one day, in a new environment. I want to disappear . I want to be new, where no one knows me, and I know no one. Where no one knows this is my second chance .A chance to redo everything differently and perfectly.

A chance, where when I see a stranger staring at me I don’t feel my scars . I don’t start telling myself, ooh no there are many beautiful things you can stare at but you chose me, me of all of this c’mon.

The world wasn’t for me.

Wait No! I wasn’t for it.

Enjoy your December howdy.

Moon.

We all love the moon. I believe everyone does, if not everyone at least a good capacity of us. Especially the full moon.

I feel like the moon, is just like us. We all feel low, some days we feel ,full ,some days we feel empty. The moon also has phases, today if will be a crescent, after some days,a half moon and all the phases it goes till it’s full.

But even when it’s a crescent it still shines. I looked at a photo of the phases the moon and it just clicked.

It’s okay to feel low but never let your light dim. It’s okay to feel that way, but make sure you do not stay that way forever. Keep trying, even though you will get full then deflate keep going.

Sometimes I feel like writing, I feel the words in my heart and mind, but my hands don’t wanna write. Other days, my hands feel like writing but my heart and mind are not into it. Even after all these cycles I always still come back. I mean where else could I go.

At times, we stay in one position for long even after we feel like we have tried. Never stop trying.

I love the moon. Whether it’s a crescent, full half… Mostly when it’s full , I mean it’s always shouting, the light hit the room of your room. It’s there saying, hey , come out , look at me. Am I shining too brightly? And I just smile at it. And talk to it.

Are you normal or you also talk to the moon and stars?

It has been a great year for me here. My stats, likes and followers have increased. I don’t know if am in a crescent or half phase. But the stats for the months shows me the phases. This month I was active huh! WOW, aah honey what happened in November. But I made a promise to me, that I will allow myself to feel low but pick myself up later.

I dont know if this is going to be my last post of the year . I hope it’s not(actually it won’t be) but in this festive season , I wish you happiness . I pray your light never goes dim.

With love.

Hey Howdy

Hello wonderful people, sorry I haven’t been posting lately but school is literally fucking my mind. I hope you have been good. Woah so you mean 2020 has only 31 more days wow!

Anyways , I also had given myself a one month break and came back feeling new and fresh.Breaks are good, its just that I can’t be at the woods right now. I am not sure I have something great offer but thank you for stopping by.

There is something growing in my heart. I feel like my skin is growing to something different unlike before where you were used to your own skin defining you as a shadowy figure unworthy of developing interest. It feels like my heart is reforming. Literally, the way a wound takes time to heal and after it gets back to it not aching you feel amazing.

I am also becoming someone new, I am seemingly in love with animals right now. They just look cute and this right here is now the morbid longing for picturesque. I just don’t get why people think it’s weird though. Those creatures are amazing, mostly for pets like cats and dogs. Playing with them takes your mind off so many things and if you are alone this is just but the perfect company. Because honestly sometimes you never want to see any person around you.

I mean this year feels like a decade in just 11 months so far. I have done/become so many things I wanted to be/do. Some scary, sweet, and risky. The best part is that I have finally felt m hands in someone else’s hands. Almost forgot how warm that usually feels. It has also been a terrible year but we just have to focus on the little good parts that are encouraging.

Susan Sontag- I must change my life so that I can live it, not wait for it

There is no time to wait. Wear that crown you have been waiting to wear, go for that road trip with your favorite people as you listen to your favorite songs,tell your crush thta you love him/her(haha) if it goes wrong am sorry. Do all those things while you can.

I was trying to get into the mood of writing so maybe my next blog will be better howdies.

Invisible Things

It is the invisible things that I love the most. Well if you haven’t heard this song , ruuuun! Invisible things by Lauv . How’ve you been? You want to say fine and I know you ain’t. Anyway me too.You know some days I want to split me out, the whole mess of me, but mostly I am good and quiet.

We all have mental breakdowns, depression , whatever you want to call it. What’s your remedy? Uummh is it really a remedy? I don’t think so.

People can be so annoying, even without them saying a word, or looking at you. I mean sometimes I just want to see nobody. These are the times I go for a walk or just walk anywhere.

Here is where I meet other interesting living creatures. Plants, when their leaves/branches are blown by the wind or is that they are stretching I don’t know. In my little world I hear them screaming when the wind is too strong. They are like damn wind you going to break my bones(maybe they have them)and the root is like chill out bruh I gat you. And the leaves go like ooh okay cool.

I used to be attracted to people, but lately it’s the abstract art for me. When I say people I don’t mean kids lol. I know they are people but you also know what I mean.

What do you mean you don’t?Okay have you ever wished you remained a kid? of course this is after you have grown and seen what responsibilities you have to own. Anyway to my point, sometimes while walking around I say hi to kids and just talk to them for some few minutes, some days like today a kid just started talking to me and I was really happy! Oh Lord. Young person I wish I would play with you but mostly people will think am in sane. Okay I am already but anyway!

I can also play with our cat or watch it play. It will run up and down , chasing insects flip itself and I am like that’s so cute. Even while it sleeps , it looks so beautiful damn. Being a human is hard at times. That’s why I say it very bold of me to continue existing. I would have talked about my dog but I don’t have one. Haha!

I also sometimes get weird since living a normal life is hard. Sleeping upside down, I mean there is a way beds are made and there is a way it’s presumed that we should sleep, but if my legs stay where my head’s supposed to be doesn’t mean I won’t get sleep. Saying hi to strangers or just smiling at them. (Just to mention a few)

Those little things that make you feel so alive, don’t stop doing them. Leave normal shit for normal people.

Part 2, Letter to my Rome-ance

I hated it but loved it at the same time.

Its not that I had never loved before, but I had never felt loved .

I would look into your eyes, and see through to your heart. I wouldn’t see myself but instead I saw someone else. For a moment I thought maybe I changed or my eyes changed too.

I think this is what they mean , by Love is blind. Your own love is what blinds you, not from the person loving you. But the moment I saw you in the morning it would be a beautiful day. Sipping on sunshine huh. Love ruins us. They say a broken heart is one that has been loved. Or has loved whatever.

I owe my heart apologies, for wasting it in love. I want to lie that I didn’t love you but I don’t feel like lying today. The first instinct is always right but the only way to resist to a temptation is to yield in it. I wanted to make this letter long but our relationship was short so I will match up.

Thank you , for loving me, even though you used my love. Thank you, for the nights we smiled but for me to wake up in the morning to reality. Thank you for breaking me into pieces, crushing me, (oh yeah I was your crush I know) and later mending me again.

It’s by loving you that I knew the depths I can reach.

But my love,I want to talk about the good times, but if I write about them I will ruin the moments. I might skip some beautiful parts or use a low tone or a very high one.

Rome was on a fire at this time. I wanted to take you to Paris so we could live as sunflowers . Your love was sunlight to me . I was full of letters I hadn’t sent you. And they all burnt down to ashes. So as the flowers I grew in my garden, I was hoping that they would blossom, and give our love that fragrance, but smoke enveloped it.

Where were you when those letters were burning? Where were you when the flowers were burning? Planting other flowers right?

I got sunburns, since you were the sunlight. But you saw them as scars. And I was never beautiful again.

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